rachel

11:12 am: what a blast from the past.
Chelsea's graduation party was nice.  Its funny cause it was a party for her, but I hardly talked to her--I guess that's not that surprising, since I mostly talked to my close friends during my graduation party, too.
It was a nice party, the food was good, I talked to a few people.
The weirdest (and probably coolest) part was talking to Robyn.  Its been several years since I've seen her.  I used to have such a crush on her, which I don't have anymore, but she's still pretty dang cool.
I really like her art, I think that's probably always been one of the big draws--her sculpture is pretty amazing. 

We talked about taking a language class at the school of continuing ed together--I'm not convinced it'll actually happen, but the idea is kind of appealing. 

I had a weird realization while I was on a walk with my mom before the party.  Its something I'm going to have to think about/pursue.
god this becoming an adult stuff is hard.  and weird. 



apparently my roomate's ex is going completely psycho now, not just mostly like before.
He spent last night throwing shit at her window--including eggs, and wrote her all kinds of crazypants text messages. 
at least it pushed her to finally call the cops on him. 

12:55 pm: its just all about the music
I took my mom to the Swell Season as a sort of bday present.  It was great.  The opening band was a funny little band from Ireland.  and then the main set was The Frames and the 2 main characters from Once (with a little crossover, of course) but it was just such a great show.  it was really sweet, and the music was great. 
and Glen told really really good stories.  And I love good stories at a show.
And the brought the Whitefish Bay 8th grade choir on stage for a song, because they had been singing it for a concert of their own or something, it was super cute. 

MIA was amazing, of course. 
But I got much drunker than I had intended to, and had a rough night of puking every couple hours, which was definitely a hard way to start the week. 

I really need to start moving more.  I feel like I'm becoming a big blob of jelly--and that's just gross. 
I need to be outside and moving around more. 
Walking, biking, and all that. 
I have plans to do great things. 
and hopefully this rock climbing thing will actually take off. 

I just submitted the names of my people for my 360 review--that's a little mind-boggling. 
perhaps the surreal-ness of being an adult just never goes away. 

Tags: exercise, music, work

02:35 pm: So Tegan and Sara was fun.  They were good, I enjoyed the show, it was really good and I was really into it, but for some reason all of a sudden, maybe about 2/3s of the way through the show I all of a sudden got really melancholy.  I don't know if it had to do with the song they were singing at that time, or what.  I don't know if I'm just moody recently, but all of a sudden, I was just super despondent. 
so that was weird. 
also, it has sort of clung on--I haven't quite been able to shake the feeling, and I really don't love when I'm like this. 

Tonight I have a youth meeting that I'm going to leave early from, cause I'm going to the Swell Season with my mom.  I think it should be good.  Its the music(/people?) from Once, so that's pretty exciting. 

And then Monday is M.I.A.  which should be a really great show. 
oh the fun, oh the excitement. 
I really love going to these shows and then just mildly losing myself within the sound. 
Sia was especially great for that.  The quality of her voice was stunning, and that mixed with the neon lights and everything, it was just so good.  I felt like I was wrapped up in the music, physically, almost--like a blanket or something.
and that's what I love about live music.  the music, the loudness, its encapsulating. 

Tags: despondant, life, music

02:54 pm: best new discovery:

http://midwestteensexshow.com/ 


seriously, its one of the best things ever

05:06 pm: I was in a car accident this afternoon.

and the worst part is that it was totally my fault.



also, i'm getting/have gotten a cold, and it totally sucks.

12:08 pm: just a recap, to try and remember
i don't even know where to start.
and I clearly don't do well enough at keeping up.

went to Saratoga for the New Year's weekend.
had a good time with the family.
had a terrible time getting back--got back to Milwaukee 20 some hours later than i was supposed to.
saw Sam, that was nice.
Amialya and Elyse weren't able to make it due to a combination of snow storms and dying grandmothers, which was too bad, but I'll hopefully see them sometime soon
work isn't too taxing, but sometimes the sheba girls are exhausting.

I SIGNED A LEASE!!!
I have a beautiful new apartment, and I'm super super excited about it.
now all I have to do is find roomates...
its all alittle overwhelming, because I can't afford it by myself, and I think I have roomates lined up, but nothings pinned down, so I'm unsure about things right now.
I can't afford this place by myself, but its big, its beautiful,
its pretty sweet
I can start moving my stuff in the middle of this week, and then move in for real next weekend.
things are looking up

Tags: new apt, new year

05:05 pm: Anyone know anyone who's looking to move in the Milwaukee area?

and preferably not crazy?


please?

02:29 pm: its like we're the female wedding crashers!
the weekend of the 21st was a blast--Yom Kippur was Friday night and Saturday, I went to services and then out for James's bday.
Saturday night was the Cream City Foundation's charity event, that I wasn't planning on going to, but Jenny called to see if I would be her date since her husband didn't want to go.
I said sure, but it was kinda boring, so we decided that since that Saturday had turned out to be a big day for charity events in Milwaukee, we would crash another one.

We went to Discovery World and crashed a $1000/plate dinner.
it was fun.
mostly becasue we were doing something ilicit and there was constantly the possiblity of getting found out and getting tossed out. all kinds of fancy and rich people were there--Tommy Thompson (the former governor and recently presidential hopeful, ugh), the mayor, the county supervisor, and a bunch of rich rich people.

This weekend was also good. I told Judy on Friday night that I was going to move in the middle of the month.
Friday night I went to a move that was part of the International Film Festival called Cashback (i think.) the main character was the same guy who plays Oliver Wood in the harrypotter movies.
Mia was going with some guy she knows, we met up with him and a couple of his friends, they were all pretty cool.
one of the coolest meeting some new people experiences i've had in a while.

Saturday i went to a play with my mom and afew of her friends called Hana's Suitcase. it was good and i cried.
and i randomly ran into jennifer sweetland.
Saturday night was Nicole's bday party, which was a lot of fun, but felt slightly awkward with Paula--she and Noah are seperated (I saw that one coming from a mile away) but the awkward part is that she hits on me--
as in, hinting at being interested in girls, but never been with girls, and really, i just think its that she's annoyed with boys right now. but everytime i see her she hints at wanting me to flirt with her. its weird.
don't get me wrong, i'd like a girlfriend, but I would not like Paula as a girlfriend. and i'm not really sure i'd like to do the whole "i'll be the girl you experiment with" thing

Sunday was Paul's birthday lunch--it was absolutely lovely.
really really great.

and i went to the synagogue for the Sukkot barbq with mom.
it was sweet.
and i met someone whose daughter is thinking about marlboro. that was random.
and then delicious delicious sushi with Nicole, John, and Mia.
it was excellent sushi

Tags: bdays, sukkot, weekends of fun--discovery world

10:44 am: i should probably do this more often, if only to keep track and not forget
Friday night was Selene's performance, Saturday was Gary and Paul's rummage sale (where I made off like a bandit! I am now the new owner of a cool green lamp, a small electric heater for the bathroom, and an old etching of Paris).
then i went on a frustrating shopping expidition with Mia where I did not find any new blue jeans that I liked.
Drove down to Chicago, hung out with Maggie
went to the hipster craft fair, then had falafal for lunch with Anna.
unsure of what i think about that situation.
hung out with Maggie's friends to watch the Bears for a minute, met her grandparents, drove back to the Mil with a friend of hers, which turned out to be a good plan, i cause I turned out to be a tired girl once we were on the road.

things at home are weird and confusing. i have to tell Judy that i'm moving out, but her mother just died a day or 2 ago, so i feel all sorts of awkward about telling her now.
she went on her kayak trip with Bob, i decided that after much time spent thinking about it, i was actually going to get it together and move. i found places, looked at them, liked 2 of the 3, made a decision. Judy came home on sunday night knowing her mother was not doing well, went to work on monday, flew to seattle tuesday, now she's been gone just over a week, her mother just died, she's coming back soon, and the timing is just so so awkward.
i may be the queen of social awkward, but this is different.
this is feeling tricky.

had coffee with kate last night. i have no interest, and couldn't figure out how to extricate myself, but eventually did.
i won't mind if i don't see her again. talking to her was like pulling teeth, there was just no conversation flow whatsoever, except when we were swapping stories about growing up or highschool, and i'm just not into that.

I'm back at Gary and Paul's again tonight--for about a week this time



i have got to get over my interest that stems (solely) from seeming unavailability

Tags: chicago, girls, moving worry, weekend

12:08 pm: i never used to be bad at returning phone calls, but for whatever reason, i've gotten really bad at it over the last few months. I'm not sure what's going on, but I should probably try and make a change. I miss people who are far away, so you'd think I would return their calls, but I don't. how odd

Last night was an odd conglomeration.
So, Peter Bjorn and John were in the Mil with Andrew Bird. I heard on the radio that if you went to the Pontiac dealership, you could get free tickets if you test drove a Pontiac.
well, mokay.
So, I booked it after work yesterday afternoon, got myself to the dealership, had an old man car salesman ask what I was there for, and I told him I wanted to test drive a Pontiac, I had heard something on the radio.
So, he went over to the desk, talked to the guy at the counter turned back to me and said "are you actually interested in buying a car at this time?" and I said No.
then I got a little worried he wouldn't want to give me the tickets, so I asked "is that a problem?" and he said no, no, but he would just give me the tickets instead of making me actually go for the test drive. he was on his way out for a smoke break, and so, here's my card, and here's two tickets. give me a call when you do want to buy a new car."
SWEET!

so, then I met up with Emily (WendLake) and we went to EE-Sane for Thai food with Meaghan Savery and Aaron Morganstein, Meaghan's brother, and a few other of their friends.
it was an odd bunch, to say the least.
I dont' think I've ever said one word to Aaron while at Marlboro. turns out he's a really decent guy, and pretty pleasant. I had no idea. Meaghan and I were never really friends, but we hung out within a larger group every so often, and she's alright in a group (a little crazy pants, but whatevs), so it was actually waaay better than I thought it might be.
and the more time I spend with Emily, the more I like her, too.
turns out maybe marlboro folks are cooler when they're not at marlboro. hm.

The show was pretty amazing. Andrew Bird was totally bizarre and really cool.
Peter Bjorn and John were ridiculously cute on stage.

Tags: awkard, not awkward, peter bjorn and john

11:37 am: i went to see Wicked with Erica.
Its been really nice to see her and hang out with her, but its also been an experience.
On Wednesday I was reminded of what it is about her that used to drive me crazy sometimes.
She's a very nice girl, and I do enjoy her company, its just she and I react in very different ways to the same stressors.

I'm currently housesitting at the most adorable house ever. for the cutest lesbian couple ever. actually, they're coming back today, so then it'll be over, but its been a nice weekand a half staying there.
its like a nice little VT cabin in the middle of Riverwest.

and Dao's here which has been amazing.

I miss people, but things are good. Work is going well, and maybe i'm sort of building a community in Milwaukee. maybe, sort of.
I'm learning and thinking, and I do like that.
I haven't been feeling anxious much, but I did get hit with another big splash of missing/being sad/upset about stupid whore Ashley yesterday, and that wasn't (and still isn't) fun. mostly that hasn't been happening, and it'll fade again, i was just a little stupid, and let my guard down.
but, even when it does happen, its less and less strong everytime.

Mia's birthday is this weekend, and I expect to have a good time. we might go camping tomorrow night, and that'd be fun too.

i really need to cut my nails.

Tags: cute house, cute lesbians, wicked

01:04 pm: good weekend
i had a nice weekend, spent in LG's house.
Friday i worked late, but it wasn't the worst thing in the world, since it also meant hanging out with Rodney a bit, and getting to see/meet the men coming to the workshop.
Rudy seemed pretty amazing, i'd like to get to khow him someday, maybe.

Went to LG's didn't do much, but stayed up too late.
Woke up early on Saturday for a yoga class that the teacher did not show up for, which was lame and annoying, but then i spent the morning laying on my couch and watching Six Feet Under even though i was tired and maybe should have napped.
Spent Saturday afternoon working with my mom, then went over to Allen's and i think he'll be hiring us, too.
that's not bad.
Went for tasty tasty Thai food with my mom afterwards.
Had a nice time with the wifey and went to hear her dad play with his band.
it was a nice evening.
and it was nice to be there for Rodney junior's special day (he became legal, and Selene was in heaven!)
Sunday i wanted to sleep late, but for some reason I woke up at 7:45am because my body hates me.
Watched bad tv on the evil cable enhanced tv box.
went dress shopping with mom, cause i wanted to show her a dress that i had fallen in love with but not bought the week before.
promptly discovered some more lovely and exciting dresses, and maybe bought one or two.
I didn't buy the green dress that I fell in love with last week, but I think that's ok, since don't have a place to wear it, it was expensive, and it would need a little altering. but oh my god, it was amazing.
but don't worry, i bought some other really cute dresses.
well, one i had bought at Macy's for $90 and then found out it was on clearance at Boston Store for $50.
so i bought that and i'm going to return the earlier version.
and then this sort of 50's style one that i found, and an adult looking dress that i'm not sure about keeping.

then i went to a cool big park music festival thingy last night with Mia.
it was at this place http://www.ravinia.org/

we got there late, so we couldn't buy tickets, but then the police officer who was going to escort us through the park to the other ticket window totally left us, cause he sure didn't care if we bought tickets or not, so we had a lovely picnic listening to great music, and it was free!
the musicians were pretty great.
the main band we saw was called Pink Martini, and I really really enjoyed them. http://www.pinkmartini.com/
we also did some dancing, which was fun, and we watched some cute older people doing some great dancing too.
i was reeeal tired driving home, though, and had a really hard time keeping my eyes open.
it was not good.

i didn't do anything about returning the numerous phonecalls that i owe, but it just wasn't a weekend for doing that.
maybe it'll happen soon

Tags: to better keep track

02:22 pm: good days
so many things, and i keep forgetting to write about them.
well, Jordan stopped by to visit, while she was on her way to CA from VT. it was lovely to see her, and spend a couple days together.
Erica came to visit last Sunday, talk about old Marlboro friends--that was a blast from the past.
but it was really nice, i think she's doing really well, which is great.
she's sure come into her own a lot more since i last saw her, 4 years ago.
i think she's become quite the hippie, but much more tolerable than the marlboro brand of hippie.

I just stayed at the Berland's house and took care of Girl for 2 weeks. She's such a sweet dog, and so full of love, even if she is kinda bad at going for walks. she's always excited to go, even though she can't walk more than a couple of blocks

i got a job. yay full time employment!
or something.
i'm happy with it, its going well.
the transition period is going to be a little bit, but i think it'll be alright overall.
so far things are good.

Pridefest was 2 weekends ago, it went well. i got sunburned the first day. i spent more time with Marc than i sort of wanted to, and i didn't see James but for a minute, which was unfortunate.
i did stare lovingly at this beautiful girl but i of course did not have the balls to talk to her.
oh man, she is sooo cute, though.
maybe one day i'll find some courage. probably not though.
it sucks, cause this girl who was alright, but that i wasn't at all interested in--i could talk to her no problem.
the girl i have a huge crush? i cant think of a single thing to say to her.
alas.

this weekend i'm housesitting for LG, which is fine. it'll be easy, and its a nice pretty house. and they bought me food so that there would be some when i got there.

last weekend was good. i fell in love with 2 dresses, bought one of them, and havne't been able to stop thinking about the other one.
i think i'm going to go back and try it on again. the problem is that i have absolutely no justification for buying this dress. none whatsoever.
and i need to buy some new pants, cause i actually do need those.
boo, being an adult is lame.



i think i should take a fun weekend trip sometime soon.

Tags: a quick catch up--things are going okay

11:48 pm: right after the phone call to end all phone calls--literally
we just got off the phone, and i'm, you know, proud of myself for being able to do the right thing, and support you in doing what is best for you, and all that, but i've gotta say, it makes me sad.
i can sit here and be strong for you, and i will, i am, but i also hate it

i'd rather be that creepy stalker exgirlfriend (i'm not even an exgirlfriend, i wasn't even a girl friend at all) and drive through the night, say fuck it to my responsibilities, and show up at your doorstep--demanding that you tell me to my face you can't see me anymore.
and the wierd thing is, its not even like that. we live a thousand miles away from each other, we haven't talked on the phone for 2 weeks. you email to tell me we have to talk, the night i come back into the country we talk for an hour and a half.
and that hour and a half is so goddamn satisfying that i don't want it to end.
we talk for an hour and a half, and half of it is spent talking about how you can't do this anymore. how its too hard, and you need to figure out how to get yourself back to being grounded.
we can't talk for a month.
i really don't like that idea, but what can i do? you get to make that call. i'm not going to be that girl who won't let go.
but i would love to be.
oh, god, would i love to be.

okay, so its too hard, and you're sorry, but what can you do?
i agree. rationally, logically, this makes sense.
okay.
but at the same time, Fuck You.
i like you soo much. you confused the hell out of me a year ago, and i don't know what to think.
why did i let myself do this?
why did i stray from my path of non-committment and not caring?
how did i get so invested, so emotionally attached?
what was i thinking??

obviously, i wasn't thinking. and look where that got me
full of emotions, and left out to dry

okay, so now i get to expect to hear from you in a month or so.
but then what? are you going to be so much more grounded, so much more stable that now it'll just be a robotic recitation of what you spent your time doing.
no more "i miss you"
no more "i've been thinking of you"
no more of that part?

do i want to talk every week just to hear a recitation of your weekly adventures?
what if i don't?
what if i decide this isn't working for me?
if we're not going to talk on teh phone for a month, then why bother starting again?
you're going to leave 3 months after we start talking again, so why bother?

and really, if we're going to sever the phone ties, then shouldn't we sever the emails, too?
i know if i'm not talking to someone on the phone, then emails make me happy
case in point: these last 2 weeks while i was in Mexico
you loved my emails, and i loved yours
and you told me repeatedly how much you were looking forward to hearing my voice when i got back.
so i got back

now i'm back, and i'm excited to talk to you.
i'd be really fucking excited to see you, but that's not an option, so i settle for talking
and what's the upshot?
an hour and a half long conversation about how you can't do this.
nice

all i even meant to do when i answered the phone an hour and a half ago was talk for a few minutes and then go to sleep.
i just wanted the hello, hear your voice, talk for a few minutes, then go to sleep.
i should have just left it for the voice mail to pick up
but instead, we talked.
and talked for real.

which is good, except

Tags: no more phone

12:42 pm: i hate being on an emotional rollercoaster.
and i hate how much my emotions and reactions to other people dictate how i feel and what kind of time i have.
and i hate that i tend to overanalyze everything.
it all just leads to unnecessary upset and crankiness.

mexico has been a bizarre rollercoaster--which should not be a complete surpise, even to me. its been really great, and really hard, and really weird.
overall, i´m really happy about it slash with it, but there have definately been some ups and downs.

and now i just got an email that i don´t konw what to think of, and i don´t know how to deal with, and i kind of wish i hadn´t come online to check it this last time.
it was just so tempting, here in Tamada´s house, its like the apple, and i don´t even need a serpent to encourage me.

Tags: end of mexico, kinda melancholy, weird mood

05:50 pm: so far Mexico is hot and delicious.
i don{t really expect those two things to stop being true

Tags: mexico!

06:05 pm: head over heels
i had the most amazing weekend.
now that its over, i'm sad, and kinda mopey, and really melancholy.
the weekend was great.
seeing ashley was amazing, and better than anything i could have expected.
the only unfortunate part was the leaving afterwards.
I really couldn't have asked for a better weekend.
which is kind of amazing, in and of itself.

its weird, to have someone break all your rules.
she breaks all my rules, and yet, somehow, i don't even mind.

this whole thing makes me think about moving east in a much more real way than i have been prior to this.
I don't know, and its something i was already thinking about, but now it makes me want to think about it even more.
i love milwaukee, and i love people here, but its hard having important parts of my heart in such different places.
i don't think the people that i love about milwaukee (besides my mom) are goign to be here much more than a year or two, and i know that's a lot of why i have enjoyed milwaukee this year.
if they're not going to be here, there is the potential of a job i care about, but that's about it.
Sooo, if Milwaukee people are about to scatter, then why not go back east to that cluster of people?
this is nothing near about to happen--its all still a ways in the future.

its funny, i left this weekend waaay more into it than i started.
going out, i didn't konw what to expect, and so convinced myself not to expect anything.
i mean, i was hopeful, but i didn't have expectations.
so, the weekend fulfilled any hope i could have had had i let myself dream--and more.
it was wonderful.
the friends, the girl, the way the two could meld together so seamlessly.

and now i'm left sadder than i was before i went.
oh, the irony

Tags: bittersweet weekend, girl, happy, marlboro, melancholy, vt

10:56 am: so, I had this realization last night:
I'm a girl with Daddy issues.

God, i'm such a cliche

Tags: daddy's girl

03:33 pm: i hate how much i worry about saying the right thing.

i spend so much time worrying and anxious about whether I've said the wrong thing--i think i give it more power than appropriate.
I get worried and then i get worried about my worries, and it all compounds, and i get confused and overwhelmed and anxious.

and the reality of it is: most of the time, its not nearly the big deal to everyone else as it is to me.
chances are my saying one or two things, even if they spark an argument, aren't going to ruin a friendship. its not going to cause the collapse of a group, its not going to mean my best friend suddenly starts to hate me.
but sometimes that's what it feels like.

i know these things logically, but sometimes i get in a tizzy, the same setences circle around and around in my head, and i get so caught up in all my worry and anxiety, that it overwhelmes me. my confusion and the emotions become the ones in charge, and i'm tagging along, trying to catch-up and understand. i get lost in the swirl of the emotions and worry and lose my ability to think rationally.

and i don't like that.
i don't like it when i'm so caught up in my worry and emotional upset that i lose touch with the world, and function only as a product of my confusion. but sometimes i lose the battle/buy into the worries, and sometimes i don't know how to stop it. it spins out of control and i don't konw how to curtail it.

Tags: saying the wrong thing, worry

03:24 pm: i'm not sure what to think
i'm feeling a little worried/anxious, but i think its because once again, I'm over thinking/over analyzing everything.
maybe the problem is i have too much time to think.

i was at Gary and Paul's yesterday/last night/this morning. The dogs are cute, sweet, and senile. we went for a short walk this morning.
it was nice to be there because the house is nice and all of that, but it was especially a good thing since it meant i didn't have to be home for another BOB weekend.
its becoming clearer and clearer to me that i need to move, because seriously, this constant annoyance whenever he's around is getting rather old.
the sad thing is that once i don't live with Judy, i probably won't hardly see her, and i do actually really like her. but i know enough about myself to know that i'm not going to go out of my way to spend time with her if she's with Bob. So, as near as i can tell, moving out is going to be an exercise in letting a friendship go. i really think it'll be the end of.
hm, its something to think about.
the end of an era. she's been a significant part of my life/my life in milwaukee for 7 years. and I've known her since I was 5. I've known her for 18 years. and closely for seven.

Tags: housing thoughts, judy, moving on